Tell me a story, or Go Away!

Bedtime stories I told my Daughter.

By Elizabeth Massaro

Cinderrumplestiltskin

As told to Mom by Emily.  Mom just wrote it down circa 2008.*

Once upon a time in a castle far, far away lived a king and queen who had once been cousins.  Because they had been 1st cousins and their gene pool was extremely compromised, their chances for disastrous results, should they have children, were very high. Of course living in the dark ages, and  not knowing anything about genetics or science, or really not much of anything useful at all by modern standards, they decided to have children.  So, they had a daughter.  The new princess was unfortunately fraught with many special needs..  In addition to these disabilities, she was not the most attractive looking girl, by most standards, with a large flat, lopsided head, a squashed nose, and small, close set eyes.  They named her Cinderrumplestiltskin for reasons unknown.

Now as the princess grew her conditions only got worse, owing to the fact that no one knew anything about special education at the time either and often she could be found sitting in the garden uttering nonsensical words like “Manibobers.” 

They did send the princess to ye old school number six for the disabled, but it was under funded and it had its own issues, an incompetent school board, a Republican governor, but I digress.  There the princess  learned to. . .,well let’s say she went there anyway.

By now the male-chauvinist king, who had always wanted a son anyway,  was worried that he’d be stuck with the princess forever.  So, he devised a plan.  He placed a brown bag over her head, and asked her not to speak in public.  Usually she complied, but the occasional “manibobers” would slip out now and again. 

Next the king decided he’d announce that the reason the princess wore the bag over her head was that she was so beautiful that anyone who looked on her would be instantly overwhelmed to the point of possible blindness.  Then the king decided to make a decree, he told the kingdom, that only the man who could pass the three tests he devised would be able to ask for his fair daughter’s hand in marriage.  The young noble men came from all around the kingdom to try and win the princess.  The three tests were, as you might imagine, simple enough.  The first test was opening a mayonnaise jar.

The first young man who stepped up to open the jar, was having difficulty because the lid was stuck.  As he struggled with the jar the other young men waiting around to try their hand at it happened to get a look at the princess who wasn’t wearing her bag.  They quickly remembered various quests, dragons that needed slaying, grails that needed finding, crusades that needed crusading, and other urgent things that needed doing and stampeded from the castle forthwith. 

The king sensing that the jig was up, said to the struggling young man, here let me help you with that lid.  In fact, for get the tasks.  I’ve decided that anyone willing to attempt opening an impossibly stuck jar is worth my daughter’s hand in marriage.

Well the knight was overwhelmed with joy.  You see in many ways he wasn’t the sharpest shed tool either.   The king sensing this also, pressed his advantage and decided to get the two married as quickly as possible, that very day, in fact.

The church bells were ringing, the sun was shining, the townspeople assembled in the church awaiting the brides arrival.  The knight, Sir Dimwit, was standing by the alter.  The organ music began and the princess, with a very heavy vale, began waddling up the aisle, with the king pulling her along.

After the vows were repeated, the princess saying “Manibobers,” to all.  The priest announced:

“You may kiss the bride.”  The king quickly intervened saying, that the princess was too beautiful and that her beauty might blind the poor knight.

Nonsense, said the priest.  And just as the knight was about to lift the brides vale and kiss her,  some dirt from the crumbling gothic ceiling fell right into his eyes.  “I’m blind he yelled! I can’t see a thing!”  The rest of the church gasped as the princess lifted her vale. 

Those must be cries of awe at the sight of my beautiful new bride, thought Sir Dimwit.  He kissed her lips, although he couldn’t see a thing and replaced her vale. 

The couple left the awe-struck church to begin their new life together.  As they were leaving he tried to engage his new wife in conversation, as he hadn’t really had the chance to speak to her as yet. 

“Where would you like to honeymoon, my love?” He said.

To which, of course she replied, “manibobers.”

Ah, well, Sir Dimwit thought, not much of a conversationalist.  But, at least she’s incredibly beautiful to look at.  Of course later, Sir Dimwit found out the awful truth of the matter.  Which, incidentally is to this day why people who are compromised intellectually, or people who are easily duped are called “dimwits.” 

Of course the prince, for now Sir Dimwit was a prince, having married the princess, and his wife had an incredibly rocky, dysfunctional marriage.  They couldn’t get divorced however, because it hadn’t been invented yet.

The end. 

Moral, added by mommy, if you don’t want children to tell you awful stories, don’t tell them awful stories.  Also, never marry your cousin!

 *I struggled with whether or not to put this one here, as I didn't want to be politically incorrect, but I thought it was funny and we honestly mean no disrespect to anyone who suffers from any disability or birth defect. I added the political commentary.  Also, Emily was about ten when she made this  story up, so don't judge us too harshly.

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