Tell me a story, or Go Away!
Bedtime stories I told my Daughter.
As told to Mom by Emily. Mom just wrote
it down circa 2008.*
Once upon a time in a castle far, far away
lived a king and queen who had once been cousins. Because they
had been 1st cousins and their gene pool was extremely compromised,
their chances for disastrous results, should they have children,
were very high. Of course living in the dark ages, and not
knowing anything about genetics or science, or really not much of
anything useful at all by modern standards, they decided to have
children. So, they had a
daughter. The new princess was unfortunately fraught with many
special needs.. In addition to
these disabilities, she was not the most attractive looking girl, by
most standards, with a large flat, lopsided head, a squashed nose,
and small, close set eyes. They named her
Cinderrumplestiltskin for reasons unknown.
Now as the
princess grew her conditions only got worse, owing to the fact that
no one knew anything about special education at the time either and often
she could be found sitting in
the garden uttering nonsensical words like “Manibobers.”
They did send
the princess to ye old school number six for the disabled, but it
was under funded and it had its own issues, an incompetent school
board, a Republican governor, but I digress. There the
princess learned to. . .,well let’s say she went there anyway.
By now the
male-chauvinist king, who had always wanted a son anyway, was
worried that he’d be stuck with the princess forever. So, he
devised a plan. He placed a brown bag over her head, and asked her
not to speak in public. Usually she complied, but the occasional
“manibobers” would slip out now and again.
king decided he’d announce that the reason the princess wore the bag
over her head was that she was so beautiful that anyone who looked
on her would be instantly overwhelmed to the point of possible
blindness. Then the king decided to make a decree, he told the
kingdom, that only the man who could pass the three tests he devised
would be able to ask for his fair daughter’s hand in marriage. The
young noble men came from all around the kingdom to try and win the
princess. The three tests were, as you might imagine, simple
enough. The first test was opening a mayonnaise jar.
young man who stepped up to open the jar, was having difficulty
because the lid was stuck. As he struggled with the jar the other
young men waiting around to try their hand at it happened to get a
look at the princess who wasn’t wearing her bag. They quickly
remembered various quests, dragons that needed slaying, grails that
needed finding, crusades that needed crusading, and other urgent
things that needed doing and stampeded from the castle forthwith.
sensing that the jig was up, said to the struggling young man, here
let me help you with that lid. In fact, for get the tasks. I’ve
decided that anyone willing to attempt opening an impossibly stuck
jar is worth my daughter’s hand in marriage.
knight was overwhelmed with joy. You see in many ways he wasn’t the
sharpest shed tool either. The king sensing this also, pressed his
advantage and decided to get the two married as quickly as possible,
that very day, in fact.
bells were ringing, the sun was shining, the townspeople assembled
in the church awaiting the brides arrival. The knight, Sir Dimwit,
was standing by the alter. The organ music began and the princess,
with a very heavy vale, began waddling up the aisle, with the king
pulling her along.
vows were repeated, the princess saying “Manibobers,” to all. The
kiss the bride.” The king quickly intervened saying, that the
princess was too beautiful and that her beauty might blind the poor
said the priest. And just as the knight was about to lift the
brides vale and kiss her, some dirt from the crumbling gothic
ceiling fell right into his eyes. “I’m blind he yelled! I can’t see
a thing!” The rest of the church gasped as the princess lifted her
be cries of awe at the sight of my beautiful new bride, thought Sir
Dimwit. He kissed her lips, although he couldn’t see a thing and
replaced her vale.
left the awe-struck church to begin their new life together. As
they were leaving he tried to engage his new wife in conversation,
as he hadn’t really had the chance to speak to her as yet.
you like to honeymoon, my love?” He said.
To which, of
course she replied, “manibobers.”
Sir Dimwit thought, not much of a conversationalist. But, at least
she’s incredibly beautiful to look at. Of course later, Sir Dimwit
found out the awful truth of the matter. Which, incidentally is to
this day why people who are compromised intellectually, or people who are easily
duped are called “dimwits.”
the prince, for now Sir Dimwit was a prince, having married the
princess, and his wife had an incredibly rocky, dysfunctional
marriage. They couldn’t get divorced however, because it hadn’t
been invented yet.
by mommy, if you don’t want children to tell you awful stories,
don’t tell them awful stories. Also, never marry your cousin!
struggled with whether or not to put this one here, as I didn't want
to be politically incorrect, but I thought it was funny and we
honestly mean no disrespect to anyone who suffers from any
disability or birth defect. I added the political commentary. Also, Emily was about ten when she
made this story up, so don't judge us too harshly.
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