Tell me a story, or Go Away!

Bedtime stories I told my Daughter.

By Elizabeth Massaro

Tiki-Tiki-Long-Stupid-Name

As told to Emily, circa 1997

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, there lived a mother with two small sons.  The story goes that she gave her first born son a long, complicated and unconventional name that went something like, Tiki-tiki-turnip-nimrod-durnit-long stupid-name.  Everyone who tried to say his name ended up calling him just plain Long-stupid-name after awhile.  Her second son, of whom she always made a point of saying she couldn’t care less about, she simply called John.  She also insisted that John honor his older brother by pronouncing his full name whenever John referred to, or addressed his brother.    In addition to naming her oldest son a long stupid name, she wasn’t the most conscientious mother either and she apparently played favorites.  She allowed both of her small sons to go and play, unsupervised in the village and only cautioned them briefly, to “stay away from the well” in the center of the village.   Now, with small boys, and most men of any age really, if you tell them specifically not do something they, generally, as a rule, will most certainly do what you told them not to do.

And so it was with Tiki-tiki-turnbob-buba-long-stupid-name, and John. Everyday that their laissez-faire mother would let them out to play unsupervised, the two of them made their way to the dangerous well and skipped and played around it until one day, John fell in.

Tiki-tiki-turdfoot-nonssmok-long-stupid-name ran as fast as his little legs could carry him back home to his mother who was relaxing on the couch.  “Mother, Mother,”  he said as quickly as possible, but he had run a long way, and was out of breath.

”What is it my honorable son,” she answered.  (She usually referred to Long-stupid-name (LNS) as “my honorable son, probably to avoid having to say his long, stupid name.)

 “Mother, said LSN, Mother,  John has fallen into the well!” 

“Oh for the love of dim sum! Didn’t I tell you boys to stay away from that well!  That John doesn’t have a brain in his head!  I should just leave him down there!” She exclaimed. Then she turned to LSN and said, “go and fetch the old man in the village, you know, the only one with a ladder.”

So LSN ran back to the village, as fast as his little legs could carry him to find the only old man with a ladder. Fortunately for John, he was well known for his ladder and could usually be found sleeping under the fruit tree in his front yard.

So LSN went up to the sleeping old man and yelled to wake him up. 

“Old man, my brother John has fallen into the well and my mother has sent me to ask if you would please lend us your ladder so that we can save him.

“What was that,” said the old man, who was hard of hearing as well, and who didn’t like to be disturbed when he slept.

“My brother John has fallen into the well and my mother has sent me to ask if you would please lend us your ladder so that we can save him,” repeated LNS.

“What was that," said the stupid old man, again.

“My brother John has fallen into the well and my mother has sent me to ask if you would please lend us your ladder so that we can save him. “

Finally, LNS seemed to have gotten through to the old coot and together they ran, as fast as their legs could carry them with the ladder to the well where poor little John was waiting at the bottom.”

“Hey John!” called Long-stupid-name.  “Hey John, can you hear us?”

John had swallowed some water, but he was, for the most part, okay, if not a little scared.  “I’m okay, “ said John, “but how will you get me out?”

“Grab this ladder,” said LNS and with that he and the old man lowered the ladder into the well and a wet, but otherwise unharmed John climbed out.

When the two boys got home, their mother punished John for giving her such a scare and sent him to bed without dinner. She scolded both of them for playing near the well.  (Someone should have scolded her for not watching her children, but that didn’t happen.) She made both of her boys promise that they would stay away from the well from now on and for a while they listened to their mother.

The trouble was that John and LNS grew a bit bored as there wasn’t much to do in the village besides play near the old, dangerous well.  They enjoyed throwing pebbles down into it and listening to each splash as it echoed from its depths.  So it wasn’t long before they were playing on and around the dangerous old well again, and since their mother was still not watching them, there was no one there to keep them away from it.  They played around the old well for days and days, until Long-stupid-name fell in this time.

John was beside himself.  He ran as fast as his little legs could carry him all the way home to his mother to tell her about what happened.  As he entered the house out of breath he called to his mother…

“Mother, Mother, Tiki-tiki..”

“What!  What are you trying to say, you indolent child,” She scolded.

“Mother,” managed John, severely out of breath.

“Mother, brother has ..”

“Don’t be rude!” Said his mother. “Refer to your honorable brother by his proper name!”

“Mother, Tiki-tiki,tempura,dudes,dora,long-stupid-name has…”

“You are not showing your brother’s name proper respect.” Said his mother.  You know very well his name doesn’t end with long-stupid-name!”

“Say his name correctly!”

Poor John wasn’t sure what his brothers complete name was, as it was so long and hard to pronounce, he made it a point, not to refer to his brother in his mother’s presence, if it was at all possible.

After several failed attempts and sensing that time was running out for LNS,

John blurted out, “Mother Long-stupid-name has fallen into the well!”

“What!  What! My precious first-born son!  Why didn’t you say so in the first place that it was an emergency.  Quickly, you worthless child, run and get the old man in the village, the only one with the ladder.  And make it quick!

So John ran out of the house and he ran back to the village to find the only old man with a ladder. 

John found the old man asleep, just as his brother had the last time this happened.  And just as before John went up to the sleeping old man and yelled to wake him up. 

“Old man, my brother Tiki-tiki-teacup-topsy-gong-long-stupid-name  has fallen into the well and my mother has sent me to ask if you would please lend us your ladder so that we can save him.

“What was that,” said the old man, who was hard of hearing as well, and who didn’t like to be disturbed when he slept.

“My brother Tiki-iky-tic-tac-song-long-stupid-name has fallen into the well and my mother has sent me to ask if you would please lend us your ladder so that we can save him,” repeated John frantically.

“What was that," said the stupid old man, again.  By now a very long time had passed and it had begun to get dark.  LNS had been in the well for hours and hours.

“My brother Long-stupid-name has fallen into the well and my mother has sent me to ask if you would please lend us your ladder so that we can save him.!” Yelled an exhausted John.

Finally, John seemed to have gotten through to the old coot.

“Oh the one with the long, stupid name fell in this time,” He said.  So he got his ladder again and together they ran, as fast as their legs could carry them with the ladder to the well where poor little LNS was waiting at the bottom.”   Poor Long-stupid-name, he was so cold and so tired, he couldn’t hold on for much longer.

“Are you there Long-stupid-name,”  yelled John! 

But LNS was too weak to answer.

“Tiki-tiki-bombo-so-big-bembo-long –stupid-name,” yelled John again! Are you okay?

But again LNS didn’t answer.  So this time the old man had to go down into the well and retrieve the boy.

After several long minutes, up came the old man holding the cold and barely conscious little boy.

“The old man, who was tired of rescuing these two little boys from this well, finally asked John, “Where the heck is your mother, son?

“Mother is at home relaxing,” replied John.

Upon hearing this, the old man took John and his injured brother with the long stupid name to the village child services center.  There he explained in detail about how John and his brother were usually playing around the dangerous well or in the streets usually dirty and always unattended. 

“And what kind of a nut names their kid such a long, stupid name,” the old man said.

At this point, the child services people decided that maybe John and his brother would be better off in foster care.  So they issued a summons to their mother and relieved her of their custody.

John and his brother were placed with a nice, responsible couple who ultimately adopted them and changed his brother’s long, stupid name to Jim. 

Jim and John lived happily ever after, because their new parents loved each of them equally and gave them both constructive things to do like reading and painting and story time, and they kept a close eye  on them from then on.

The end.

The morals of this story,

1  Don’t name your kid anything too long or stupid

2. Don’t play favorites

3  II you let your little kids out of your sight, something bad will happen to them!

And

4 If you aren’t a responsible parent, the Division of Youth and Family Services may just take your children away from you!

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